Just because everyone’s all ‘I’M GONNA BE AWESOME IN 2013,’ it doesn’t mean that you’re miraculously going to be awesome. You’re not. So here are my 10 New Year’s Resolutions that you may or may not choose to steal. Just like I stole the teaser image for this post from the world’s worst movie besides Baby Geniuses 2, New Year’s Eve.
1. I will not run wildly out of the basement after I turn the lights off, but calmly and rationally climb the steps at a normal pace like an adult who believes there is no serial killer that appears when the lights go off.
2. I will not avoid eye contact with someone from high school that I really don’t want to exchange even a quick ‘hello’ with in a public forum, but instead restrict public outings and walk with a swift determined pace through malls and outdoor public spaces.
3. I will not go on a diet, but I’ll try to not eat simply out of boredom.
4. I won’t glance at the first headlines of the Wall Street Journal, but instead actually read some of the articles most mornings.
5. When I’m procrastinating, I will only allow myself to play one level of Bubble Witch Saga per break. AND I MEAN IT, MISSY.
6. I absolutely will not respond to drunk text messages. Unless of course, it is absolutely hilarious, and then I will respond for the sole purpose of completely messing with said drunk respondent.
7. I refuse to break down and watch horrible television. I HAVE MADE IT THUS FAR. That means no Honey Boo Boo, no Duck Dynasty, no version of the Real Housewives, and absolutely no Jersey Shore. If that’s even still broadcasted.
8. I won’t buy knick-knacks from Urban Outfitters (or the like) that seem tailored to me, but are really emblems of the capitalization upon hipster culture and a disgusting tribute to the innate backwards-ness of that concept.
9. I will not get into Facebook fights with friends with stupid political opinions, nor get into fights with idiots in the comments section when really, I know I’m going to change no one’s mind and just get into an argument that will end up being deleted by the idiotic proven-wrong party.
10. I will try to reduce the number of Kanye West, Spongebob, Zoolander, and Red Hot Chili Peppers quotes I incorporate in every day conversation with strangers.