A note to potential suitors

To be clear I normally find the word ‘suitors’ creepy and I apologize for any uncomfortableness on your part. But times call for measures. Currently I’m in a state of non-adjectives so I apologize for the lack thereof.

I do not want you to act as if we have a future together. Likely, we will date for 5-8 odd months and then it will be over. Until you are miraculously the person that is the exception. It will not take me three years to determine whether or not it’s working, because if we are together that long it obviously is. So until we hit that landmark, don’t talk to me about it. Because it’s likely not going to happen. If you bring it up. Especially if you bring it up.

I don’t want you to make me feel like I’m less than you or more than you. I read an article on Thought Catalog (http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/when-youre-the-one-who-loves-less/) and its reciprocal, leading me to believe that both situations are horrible. If you give me the feeling that you like me far beyond what I like you, or if I feel like you don’t like me nearly as much, things won’t work out. It’s sad to believe that some people will put up with either situation. And no one should really have to.

Don’t ask me stupid questions. And don’t ask them especially just to fill silence. Silence is beautiful. If you can’t be comfortable among just me and silence, then how are we supposed to be comfortable with each other? For example, when you ask me, “What are you thinking?” I could answer in a myriad of ways, none of them being what you’d expect or be satisfied with. I could respond with:

“the fact that packaging labeled ‘fancy’ indicates nothing of the sort, such as ‘whole fancy cashews’ from Costco or ‘fancy boxed wine’ which is just an oxymoron, or ‘cat fancy’ which is an absurd aberration altogether.” or

“whether or not Hall and Oates actually thought about the connotations of consumerism and popular culture in their album ‘Abandoned Luncheonette’ or if they were trying to be really hipster.”

Any way, I will be lying, because social construction has left us with these awkward due-process responses to questions of this nature; the questions ‘how are you’ (unless it’s apparent that this question is a necessary lead-in to further essential conversation) and ‘what’s going on’ fall into this category as well.

As a general note, if there is something that you’re pretending to do, be, like, or not do, in order for me to be interested, it’s not going to work out. Yes, I’m attracted to men with no facial hair and great style, who wear skinny jeans and have hair that looks effortless, in addition to having a great taste in music and understanding references to Cyrano de Bergerac and Jack Kerouac and other literary terms of a similarly-rhymed persuasion, but I know that’s hard to find. I could also add that dental hygiene is necessary, along with a streamlined mastery of social media, and of equal footing in the ‘photogenic’ area (I’m 50/50). But this narrows the pool to nearly nothing.

Just because any girl has these standards in her head, or anybody who has these standards in their head, doesn’t mean that you’ll suddenly compete if you pretend to get book quotes, or download a bunch of music and never listen to it, or buy a tooth-whitening kit. You are a product of the effects of your actions, and no one will believe you are what you’re not (this taught to us countless times by shallow romantic comedies, but these aren’t real and you will not end up with the girl).

I just don’t understand why we are constantly compelled to be looking for something or trying so tirelessly in order to force something to work which has the undercurrents of failure from the beginning. When, in the history of time, has anyone been sure of anything upon its start? (We’re excluding Romeo and Juliet because it’s not real.) Nothing is certain. Not to quote a delusion, but Charles, John Nash’s roommate in A Beautiful Mind, says that being unsure is the only thing that he is sure of.

So I suppose I’ll just say this, dear suitors, uncertainty is a beautiful thing. But if you are even more uncertain than I, tempestuously going after a girl who you’re only vaguely curious about, just don’t. Most relationships end in heartbreak, statistically.

Come to think of it, it’s about half of people who actually get married, too.

So spare everybody the lies, the forced interaction, the awkward situations, the uncomfortable questions and silences, the unnecessary family-meeting, the extraneous Facebook friends that eventually will need to be deleted, the money spent, the knick-knacks, the pictures, and everything else.

Being single is beautiful. And especially for you suitors, it is not your problem to solve. Being single isn’t a problem at all, and it certainly does not desperately need solving.

Good luck, and may you cull the odds in your favor.



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