Kristen’s modern life

Let me preface this by saying this is a post that only happens when you’ve been awake for over 24 hours. I will promise that this is the only time I will say that as well, because ‘let me preface this’ is usually a defense for something deplorable to follow.

Sometimes it’s so hard to get around the fact that I am a fatalistic combination of generations of people who I only vaguely know about via relentless hours on free-trial-ancestry.com and this dastardly mix of scottish-irish egg and sperm has resulted in a 21st century woman privileged to the beauty of spell check, modern day sitcom programming, and debating over how ‘gif’ is actually pronounced (is it really like the peanut butter? I don’t know)

So sometimes I like to take a second and think of how different life would be if I were born into a different era, a grouping of fantastical people who don’t have to second-guess accepting their parents as friends on Facebook.

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Today: rotating between thoughtcatalog, design blogs, facebook, twitter, pinterest, linkedin, photoshop, my cell phone, potential christmas presents, values of textbook trade-ins, and clips of Key and Peele. 4 pages into my history of art paper.

Then: my 15 page paper due tomorrow at 5 pm has been completed for days, done on a typewriter, researched using real books after visiting a real library and talking to a librarian in real-time. ALTERNATIVELY, ‘I’m sorry, why are you writing a paper? Women weren’t accepted at the university of michigan until 1870.’

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Today: the morning consists of making coffee, taking my adderall, putting in contacts, brushing my teeth, and picking out today’s clothing from my closet.

Then: only the rich have coffee, ADHD isn’t even a thing and if it is there’s a stigma around mental illness and I have probably been prescribed lithium. Contacts don’t exist and if I can’t afford glasses I live my life disabled due to my legal blindness. Dental hygiene is non-existent, and hope I’m good at sewing because I made all my own clothes.

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Today: It’s that time of the month so I run to the store and buy some tampons, and I’m having cramps so I pop a Midol. I want to eat my feelings but Cosmopolitan tells me I should feel guilty about dessert so I just nuke a frozen garden burger instead.

Then: Hope i washed my re-usable diaper for today! And ‘I’m pretty sure I read that a ‘tampon’ was what Hippocrates referred to in 5 B.C. as being lint rolled around some lightweight wood to shove up there.’ ‘Ma’am, by cramps do you mean an excuse on which to blame your nonexistent womanly problems?’ If you have chocolate cake eat all you want, because fat women are so vogue, and wait! Everybody hide under your desks (which would never protect you but…) I heard the word ‘nuke’ and, oh yeah, vegetarians don’t exist.

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Today: going to skype with a friend back home, biking into town for lunch with a potential new staffer, and later going to a party to celebrate the end of finals.

Then: sending a letter to a friend that has a 60% chance of actually arriving! Sorry, but it would be inappropriate to bike in a petticoat. Potential staffer? As if women are in positions of leadership! And only loose women with no morals gather in groups of more than 3. If there’s drinking involved, likely I am a harlot.

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Today: sketching because i’m an art student, updating my resumé, looking up advertising firms for potential internship opportunities.

Then: sketching still but everything is interpreted as a feminist critique and by ‘studying art,’ I mean under a renowned classical painter, not at a university. ‘What is a resumé, haven’t you heard of nepotism?’ ‘Advertising is the fascist’s term for propaganda, and how dare you allude to working for free, we are very proud that we finally abolished slavery.’

THANKS FEMINISM AND ALSO PREVIOUS PROGRESSIVE GENERATIONS

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