A letter to an ex-boyfriend

Dear an ex-boyfriend,

It wouldn’t be fair to make it seem like you are the singular boyfriend that necessitated a passive-agressive letter on the internet, and you’re not. You’re just the first one I’m choosing to publish one about. I’m trying to keep this fairly unbiased in that respect, but it will likely turn into a Fox-News-spun-esque bias that makes you a little sick about how one-sided it is. And also, considering you are a Stage-5-Clinger, you probably have hunted down my blog and are obsessively reading over my every word. There is the danger that if I get specific that could lead to another conversation that you’re INTENT on having with me.

Not that I did not read the letter you left for me. Or play the mix CD you left. Honestly, it’s a funny story, it was very characteristic of you because the CD has somehow managed to lodge itself permanently into my laptop and it’s going to cost me $45 to have it removed. IT’S FUNNY HOW YOU BREAK SOMETHING AND COST ME MONEY STILL EVEN THOUGH WE ARE NO LONGER TOGETHER.

This letter is to address several things; you need to stop blowing up my phone. And yes, you should have listened when I told you to stop. And I didn’t ‘break up with you out of the blue’. You must have misinterpreted the spending no time together, the no physical relations, the forgotten anniversary, and my general disinterest as my Topanga to your Corey. Also, I really expected you to follow through on the ‘sorry I won’t blow up your phone again’ statement. And I’m sarcastically glad that it took me not responding to 4 of your crazed texts for you to text me with “sorry i said i wouldn’t blow up your phone, that was inappropriate.’ OH and just like the phrase, “i don’t mean to sound _____ but…” is a precursor to you sounding _________, chances are that sending texts ending with “sorry that was inappropriate” means that you should probably never say things like that in the first place.

And where do I begin with you, oh, STALKING me? We were on the same bus, and you saw me with another guy (I’m single, just as a reminder, and he’s a very good friend) and you proceeded to:

-pretend like you didn’t see me until I got off, and then waved with surprise

-go to the next bus stop, get off, walk to where we got off

-search every floor of the building we were walking toward

-creepily walk past us 3 times AS IF THAT WASN’T AN INSANE THING TO DO.

and now you want to have a conversation about closure? because I owe that to you after what we had and our dating for so many months? I’ll be honest. I should have seen this coming. What with you bringing up marriage IN THE FIRST MONTH OF US DATING and 25% of our conversations being me, diffusing you talking about our future together.

so does that mean I’m the bitch and I really do owe you an explanation? To be cut-and-dry for God’s sakes, I don’t think I do. But I do think I deserve my moment at the end of the documentary. It’s my turn to have no one interrupt me, to put their judgments on me, and to just look into the camera and be honest at the end of the day. These things aren’t just for you. They’re for me too. They’re about love. They’re about life. It’s about everything that did and didn’t happen between us, and between so many couples.

You didn’t make me a better person, but I made you one. A relationship needs to be balanced. In my head, I was going to ‘fix you’ (Coldplay reference intentional) and help you become the person I knew you could be. But it was exhausting.

If I have no response/not the right response to questions about you, just accept that it’s not right. “How is ____?” and “What do you like about him?” and “Are you inviting ______ to This Very Special Event?” were questions that I mumbled responses to awkwardly. I was never proud. People should be proud of who they’re dating, right?

You embarrassed me. You turned into a crazy, sloppy, pathetic jerk when you drank. Not that it caused that many problems (jklol it kind of did), I rarely brought you to parties because I was embarrassed of you. You should be able to be responsible and take care of yourself, you’re a grown up.

Having money isn’t the most important thing, but it’s still important. If you’d like me to add up the amount of money I spent on gas, buying food for you, buying clothes for you, replacing things of mine that you broke in your carelessness, you would probably owe me more than you made all summer. Because you chose to not plan ahead, got a minimum-wage job, didn’t take classes, sat on your ass, and didn’t make enough money to pay for anything for us to do together–I got tired of being your ‘sugar mama.’

You were what I wanted, but I no longer need. after 4 consistently fucked-up relationships, you were the stability I was looking for. The 6-foot-something-tall man with his own friends, a good career prospect, and a personality to boot. We bonded over movies, and books, and music…until I found out that you were just agreeing with me. Your favorite movie was made by Disney. You ‘can’t decide’ what your favorite band is, and you have admitted that you don’t like to read. What I need now is someone more than just stable; I need a person who understands that you can’t just live passively.

I’m afraid that I will offend you if I make the list any longer, but I think it’s important that you move on from this.

You and I weren’t good from the beginning if we’re being honest with ourselves. Think about it.

You were damaged from past relationships and so was I. We took comfort in each other because there was a feeling of nothing instead of hurt, and we misinterpreted it as happiness. We forced what should have been friendship into 8 months of confusion, anger, aggression, drunkenness, stupidity, and ultimately non-friendship. We looked at each other as the answer, when we both should have just been asking the question. We made each other forget the trouble of finding a significant other by setting for convenience. We saw ourselves as the inevitable instead of the possibility.

We lost the meaning of love.

We lost the ability to live for ourselves and for our own goals.

I forgot who I was in my near-constant state of misguided thought, startlingly empty bank account, and considerably stressful trickling away of future aspirations.

I’m sorry that you are expecting me to grab coffee with you in the future, or explain to you all the reasons why I had the nerve to break up with you so suddenly. But I’m speaking for all the women and men in my shoes who have not yet realized the beautiful thing that our relationship has created: my standards.

You were not horrible. You were not mean. You were not ugly. You were not stupid. But you are not the kind of person that I will end up with, and now I know exactly what kind of person it won’t be for certain. Everyone will finally figure out who they want to be with, perhaps before they can put a face to the idea.

For that, ex-boyfriend, I am thanking you.


all the people in the world who had to do what they had to do



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