To that thankless person everybody likes and really appreciates,

You are a gem of a person, and I’d like to thank you for that, because no one ever thanks you for just existing and making everything a little better when we all need it most.

Thank you for:

1) linking to viral videos, but only the ones that are actually worth watching (i.e. sail cat? absolutely.)

2) pictures that you don’t untag of yourself, because you’re the only one who is self-confident enough to embrace the awkward-staged embarrassment

3) sharing self-deprecating thoughts none of us are gutsy enough to display to the internet

4) not agreeing with everything everyone says always, and calling people out on their stupidity

6) being able to quote movies, books, television shows, and songs on the fly, in context, or just to make someone laugh

If people ever get the overwhelming urge to run over and hug you, it’s because you just understand what it’s like to be human and mumble song lyrics under your breath sometimes and ask the world not to judge you for it.

You totally understand that not everyone is in it just to have sex all the time and some people legitimately just need a friend. Not that sexual tension isn’t fun. It’s a lot of fun. It is in fact, one of the only things keeping everyone from jumping your bones. It’s just that in general people are pretty much totally over the whole relationship thing because it’s always great in the beginning, and then after a few weeks the honeymoon feeling goes away and you remember how much you really loved being single and not having to worry about pleasing someone else 24/7 and eventually you hating relationships manifests itself into resenting the person you’re with and the way they make you feel like you’re not good enough even when you’re trying so hard to be the person they want you to be, because you’re too nice to do something for yourself, because you always put other people’s happiness ahead of yours.

This is still strictly hypothetical.

You’re the kind of person that everyone should be overjoyed to meet. I wish I could tell you that the longer you live, the better the people you meet will be, and it’ll completely change your perspective on life (in a positive way), and your belief in the future of humanity will grow instead of diminish, but I’d be lying. I wish you as a person could be preserved forever and that there’d always be people like you to meet, kind of like there will always be that consistently angry progressive feminist who you sort of remember from school on Facebook who you haven’t de-friended only because you feel like it brings a different political view to your newsfeed. Everybody has those people. But not everybody knows somebody like you.

Something I learned in college was that I used to think that I was a bad person, but now I realize that it’s actually every other person in the world that sucks. Even the people who are closest to you. Those will probably be the times that it hurts the most, but eventually you will get over hearing your two best friends talking about you through the bookcase with two coffees in your hands for them. Because they’re your friends. They’ll walk with you to 7-11 at midnight and go to a party and do some coke just so they will stay out as long as you need to in order to get drunk and forget about the world if you just broke up with someone. They might complain about it later, but they’ll be there. Because your friends are always going to be there for you. Unless of course, something mildly-a-big-deal-but-friends-should-be-able-to-get-through-it happens and you’re trying to fix everything but you don’t get through it. Then they won’t be there. They will be there to passive-aggressively ruin things that you like, and by extension ruin other things you didn’t think could possibly be affected by the situation.

You’re not a bad person. You can’t even really act upset, because everything is a joke. You get even the most outlandish references and are always on-point with a comeback. You will stay up as late as it takes or brave the weather as long as it takes to finish a conversation. You won’t be distracted or listening to music or texting when you are talking to people. You’re infectious.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this. Originally I started writing this letter telling you thanks for being such an awesome person, but now I’m not sure if it’s a wow I’m sure glad I met you, or will you please be my best friend but no seriously I’m being serious, or possibly just know that I like everything about you and please don’t change the way you act toward me or toward anyone else because you’ve got it down to a science, or even don’t date that idiotic bitch because she doesn’t give a shit about you and you’re one of the few good people in the world and I think I’ll die if I have to watch another good person be torn inside and out by a horrifically accurate representation of the worst part of the female population.

If I could talk to myself at an earlier date, just to sort of make myself friendlier and more like the person I want to be, I’d probably say ‘you don’t want a business degree, maybe try transferring a little sooner,’ and ‘don’t live in the dorms again sophomore year you’ll get a weird roommate with a palate disorder who you will nod egregiously toward in response to her mumbling,’ and ‘probably your next two boyfriends will be absolutely awful for you,’ and definitely ‘remember the no double-dipping in frats rule,’ and ‘things won’t work out with your long-lost friends in New York or Oklahoma,’ and ‘maybe get your shit together because you’re supposed to be a grown-up and it’s not okay to get drunk on a Tuesday and watch Synecdoche, NY  with your upstairs neighbors,’  and maybe ‘people aren’t as awful as you think as long as you don’t trust them for any reason whatsoever and adopt that as your philosophy from here on out.’

Then maybe I could be more like you. But we can’t do that. We can all try to be like you from here on out, you lovely person you, but it doesn’t work like that. We’ve figured it out too late. We’ve already got enemies, and grudges we’re fighting to let go of, and associations with things and places and songs that make us upset at the world. We didn’t realize that life’s about making the most of everything, rolling with the punches, talking to strangers, being inspired, giving everything and everyone a chance, actually not judging books by their covers, absorbing everything but only being shaped by what we love, trying really hard, and giving up when it’s the right time to.

I just wanted to say thanks I guess, for being a wonderful human being. I’m not just saying that because you’ve accomplished what most of us cannot achieve, but because even though most of what you say isn’t based in reality, you’re a real person. Please, please, don’t let everybody else take that away from you.

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