1. When the right person isn’t there to get my reference. HOW HAVE NONE OF YOU SEEN THE PRINCESS BRIDE? I’M NOT SAYING ‘MAWRRWIDGE” BECAUSE I HAVE SOME SORT OF WORD-SPECIFIC SPEECH IMPEDIMENT.
2. People who are ‘high on life.’ Under no circumstance, even after my morning cup of Tim Hortons coffee with one cream and two sweet-and-lows, should anyone be able to whistle any longer than 5 seconds at a time. If the room falls silent, I refuse to hear whistling. ‘Whistling while you work’ is for dwarves. And also for people who have a deathwish.
3. That I cannot mind-control my iPod. I’m sorry, but is it really too much to ask to jump right to ‘Closing Time’ when I’m walking out of a good party instead of awkwardly thumb-spiraling in a panic to the ‘S’s’ over your lower shoulder while we’re hugging? I don’t think so.
4. When two people I introduce end up being closer friends with each other than me. I probably should have put this as number one. Oh here Tiffany, this is Charles. Oh, you were both ironically named in commemoration of the famous jewelry store? It’s fine, my name’s Diamond, but I guess that’s not special at all anymore, Tiffany. THANKS FOR THE INVITE TO BRUNCH, NOT. JUST FYI BRUNCH IS MY FAVORITE EXCUSE TO EAT OUTSIDE OF REGULAR FEEDING HOURS.
5. Other people choosing my karaoke songs. I love to sing primarily semi-recognizable female-90s-angst pop-rock. Like, sing ‘Torn,’ by Natalie Imbruglia or ‘Zombie’ by The Cranberries and people will just eat it up. ‘Killing Me Softly?’ Oh, people will lick that from the bottom of your sub-par cover-performing shoes. I will also sing ‘Africa’ with my gay uncle, should he ask. But it’s totally not okay for you to publicly call me out to join you and make nonsensical hip thrusts to ‘She Bang.’ That was soooooo tryouts during the last season of American Idol that anyone bothered watching.
6. People who act superior because they’ve seen the latest episode and you still haven’t. Did you see the new American Horror Story last night? Oh, no I was writing an essay so I was stuck in the– —OH MY GOD. YOU HAVE TO SEE IT. –yeah, I know, I’m like 7 episodes in, I’m really not planning on just quitting at this point — LIKE IT’S THEEEEEEEE BEST EPISODE YET, AND YOU WON’T EVEN BELIEVE KIT– –I’d really like it if you didn’t tell me anything about– –IT’S INSANE. Ugh, you know what, I just. I really shouldn’t spoil it for you. Like, it was so good you just need to see it for yourself.
Jump off a cliff.
7. People who can order confidently. You probably don’t even recognize what a miracle that is. The rest of us, we sit down and open a menu in a restaurant that at first is written completely in ancient Latin, and it slowly comes into focus more as pig-Latin, and eventually we can narrow down to a few options that vaguely may suit our palette as far as our understanding of the menu goes. And when the waitress comes, you spit out your order as if you knew it since stepping foot in the door. Me, my palms are sweating, my mouth is doubling as sandpaper, and I’m thinking about pretending I have to use the restroom urgently to escape the situation. And when it is my turn, I open my mouth, stutter something completely incomprehensible, decide on my order at that very second, and with my last stuck-tongue rudimentary words croak out an order for something I didn’t even realize I had read on the menu. Which completely does not go with coffee. Which I said I wanted, apparently.
8. Losing articles of clothing. I would not be caught dead wearing my size S burgundy Abercrombie hoodie right now that I lost in the 6th grade, but GOD IF I DON’T THINK ABOUT WHERE IT DISAPPEARED TO LIKE BASICALLY EVERY TIME I LOSE ANYTHING SINCE THEN.
9. Changing actors/actresses in the middle of things. This is pretty self-explanatory, but really? You’re gonna replace Rachel LeFevre with that awkward chick from The Village that also played the creepy mermaid in that significantly more terrible M. Night Shalallayalyaman movie? We noticed. Same goes for you, Orbit Gum. The original clean-it-up lady seemed nice and she was really peppy. But now it’s just a look-a-like. You’re so trying to make fetch happen, Orbit, and it’s just never going to happen.
10. People who act like they don’t know me when they know me. Real talk? This real douche from NY who has persistent body odor in a few of my classes always feels the need to comment about topics in class in relation to ‘ohhhh the EXHIBIT I went to a few months ago…and THIS PROLIFIC ARTIST’S rise to fame’ and he basically doesn’t talk in normal people conversation, but rather in spoken paragraph. It never ends. I’m basically the only other person who discusses anything in this particular class, and we’ve exchanged words before. So when I asked, during the final exam, what section we were in, I did not expect him to respond with “I’m in 12, so you’re in 13?”
And I’m all, “hem hem, but you’re a freshman with a dirty ‘stache that’s not even acceptable because it’s December, and Hanes white tees come in multi-packs so you can change your shirt and do laundry, and your voice sounds like you’re attempting to casually sing R&B through a trombone, oh and you’re a freshman, and it’s so tacky that you are not only dating a girl in our lecture, but that you actually hold hands when the lights go off. Sorry, but the last time I did that was 10th grade and he was way cuter than you.”
No, I awkwardly mumbled, “we’re in the same section,” and thought ‘asshole’ in my head and his stupid girlfriend called him out about being rude.