Little people giving humanity a chance

Little people giving humanity a chance

(Look in the back row). Man do I love the Obamas’ photographer.

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10 realistic New Year’s resolutions

Just because everyone’s all ‘I’M GONNA BE AWESOME IN 2013,’ it doesn’t mean that you’re miraculously going to be awesome. You’re not. So here are my 10 New Year’s Resolutions that you may or may not choose to steal. Just like I stole the teaser image for this post from the world’s worst movie besides Baby Geniuses 2, New Year’s Eve. Continue reading

People who drive you insane

Your own personal Jenny Beckman. Bitch.

Old friends you’d rather not keep talking to, and you wouldn’t if we lived a couple decades ago.

People you have to censor yourself in front of.

People who you’re embarrassed to be related to.

The ex-boyfriend who you keep tabs on just to relish in your lofty I’m-better-than-you-now-ness.

The ex-boyfriend who you keep tabs on to make sure they’re not posting vaguely specific statuses about how much they’re in love with you. Continue reading

How hard it is to pretend to get smart peoples’ references

Hey Kristen,
Someone was telling me that someone as sure-footed as you would like to hear my diatribe on current politics. I’d like to say that I think the Republican candidate reminded me a little too much of Gary Busey. But overall, the tone of the entire thing is like a Pauly Shore movie. I feel like I would know more about their platforms if I were Jewish, or learned about it through Wikileaks. Julian Assange, am I right?

I was watching an episode of Degrassi last week, and it legitimately could have tongue-in-cheek described what went down in the vice-presidential debate. And what about the fiscal cliff? It’s almost like Michael Crichton penned that one in homage to the cinematic drama encapsulated by Roman Coppola.

You’re nodding as if you understand, so thank you for bearing with me. Sometimes I feel as if you’re J-Woww or Honey Boo-Boo or a character from Toddlers in Tiaras, The Hills, The OC, any of the Real Housewives shows, The X-Factor, American Idol, Castle, Walking Dead, Vampire Diaries, or any other remotely popular show. I just feel like sometimes people nod along for my benefit, you know?

Thanks,
Person you had a conversation with

How to not suck at graphic design

Hopefully this will help any people dabbling in graphic design/blogging/putting stupid ridiculously horrible looking things up on their websites/online stores/social media whathaveyou.

1) Fonts.

I made up the following quick graphic for your use. Follow it religiously.

FONTS

There are SO many websites offering THOUSANDS of free fonts that you can download and use. These people understand that it’s sometimes hard to find a font that suits your needs! DaFont, FontSpace, and many other pay-what-you-wish collectives have some seriously awesome stuff on there. But don’t go crazy. Because if you’re using any of the above, you may have acute “No-Font-Taste-Itis” and it’s incurable.

To be safe, here’s a few of my favorites: Helvetica (this should be obvious; if you have no eye for design you likely can use this and get away with it), Adobe Caslon Pro, Baskerville (any), Bebas Neue, Century Gothic/Schoolbook, Futura, Gill Sans, Lobster, Market Deco, Nilland, Quicksand, Rockwell, and Trebuchet. Most of these will come with your computer. More after the jump>> Continue reading

A note to potential suitors

To be clear I normally find the word ‘suitors’ creepy and I apologize for any uncomfortableness on your part. But times call for measures. Currently I’m in a state of non-adjectives so I apologize for the lack thereof.

I do not want you to act as if we have a future together. Likely, we will date for 5-8 odd months and then it will be over. Until you are miraculously the person that is the exception. It will not take me three years to determine whether or not it’s working, because if we are together that long it obviously is. So until we hit that landmark, don’t talk to me about it. Because it’s likely not going to happen. If you bring it up. Especially if you bring it up. Continue reading